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April 27th, 2011

All cats go to heaven too

Well no matter what I did I couldn't time things right this month to catch that stupid egg. We BD last night, but I OPKd on Sunday...SUNDAY CD26! So yay...I ovulated even with me being so stressed my chest broke out in hives. Boo it was very late and my man was 1200 miles away. No bueno. I didn't even bother to temp myself all the time I was in San Diego. For what purpose? I was sleeping in a different bed and waking at strange hours. I'd have to discard them anyway.

It was by far the worst trip I've ever been on. I don't want to see or talk to my mother again. I will most likely have to finance homing her in a facility when the time comes. It's just a matter of time before she ODs or someone calls APS on her. If I wasn't her daughter I would. ~sighs~

I hate FB sometimes. I just read on there that Chris took his cat, Bob to the vet this morning because he hasn't been eating and threw up last night. He ended up making the decision to put him down. Then he went home and put it on facebook. I called him crying. 'You put dumbass down and you didn't even call me? how come? I just read it on facebook'. He's like, 'Oh shit...I'm sorry. I figured I would just tell you when you got home tonight. I didn't realize you'd see it.' Duh...Cathy texted me saying she was sorry and read it on facebook. Of course I'm going to look. ~sighs~ I'm not mad. I realize you felt you needed to say something to someone. I'll be home in an hour. I'll bring you something to eat.' Ok.

Bob has been ailing for about six months. He has become progressively more of an ass and that cat drove me absolutely crazy, but he was still a kitty and I felt bad he basically shriveled up to nothing. In the end we were feeding him whatever he would eat-steak, scrambled eggs, ground turkey, canned tuna-anything he'd like enough to ralph down. He had been taking Bob to the vet weekly to be injected with water because he was so dehydrated. It was sad to watch. He most likely died of intestinal cancer. So long Bob. You were an evil kitty, but you still get to go to some happy place in the sky.

April 21st, 2011

CD23 still no OV. I was less surprised this morning. Very tired, very achy, crampy today. Last night I got into a FB spat over breast cancer awareness with some guy. My girlfriend posted this article on her wall and said "What do you think?" Personally, I found her remark passive, but whatever.


SC-the ad campaign is deliberatly provocative and the child should not have been wearing it. There are a million other ways for her to express her support for breast cancer awareness.

SD-Eric has to turn his inside out at school & some umpires make him take them off during games.

ME-Provocative? It makes me angry there are men out there who are still making this a sexual topic. I wonder how many women you know have had breast cancer or died from it. It's views like this that make women think twice about self checking for lumps and having mammograms. I think the Susan Komen Foundation has done an excellent job reaching out to our youth by making a very serious topic light and not so scary. If I was her mother I'd call the news too!

SC-Easy, Malia, for someone who doesn't know me you sure think you have me pegged. If my view about this topic makes you think twice about getting a breast exam, that's not my fault, it's yours for allowing yourself to be controlled by someone you don't know. Please educate me: how is a bracelet that says "boobies" is NOT meant to provoke a reaction?

CS-play nice

ME-@Steve-Sooooooo nobody then. I don't have to think twice I said women I didn't say me. I'm checked every year. @Shellee-I'm so sorry to hear that. Who knew umpires would be offended by breast cancer awareness. @Carrie-Love you honey. I didn't shoot anybody...yet. To be fair I'd wear a bracelet in support of men who have lost their balls to testicular cancer. Ball Cancer Awareness! ~fist pump~


Love me or hate me you'll always know where I stand. It's best not to fuck with me and certainly don't try to turn a conversation around to make me feel 'less than'.

Chris' grandma is going in to have a mastectomy. The lump they removed a few months ago came back malignant. I like my boobs, but if I had a lump come back malignant I'd tell the doc to take them both. I wouldn't dare risk it.

My acupuncturist is perplexed. My chart is all wonky, my symptoms are strange and I haven't ovulated. She did super duper aggressive ovulation points today. WHOA! o.O She hooked 4 points to electrodes. It felt fuuuuuuuunky. Kind of like someone dragging their nails up the back of my legs. Bizarre. There was quite a difference in intensity between the left side over the right side which I found fascinating. The left side could take alot more than the right side. She also put several needles in my ears that just killed-ovary, endocrine stimulation and stress reliever (stress reliever hurt really bad and made my ear bleed a little. It was REALLY clogged). After relaxing into it I fell asleep. I feel much MUCH better. Chris and I have just tonight to get busy so that'll be it before my flight in the morning. It'll be what it'll be.

April 20th, 2011

Sends up the white flag

Oh NO!
My boyfriend came home last night and told me he made a realization. He's also been studying up on Aspergers Syndrome to help understand my son better. He believes my son, my brother and my mother all have Aspergers. I totally heard a gong go off in my head. OMG he's right! ~faceplant on the coffee table.~ My grandmother on my mother's side most likely had Aspergers too. It all just clicked into place with me. The utter lack of empathy...the preference to solitude...the fixation on things and objects...the lack of social skills and absence of friends...the sense of entitlement...intolerant and quick to anger...difficulty adjusting to change...living vicariously through fictitious people(ie: tv, books, magazines, video games)or silently standing in a group...difficulty getting/keeping a job that requires multi-tasking or day to day flexibility. My man is a freakin' genius! When I say that to him he usually says something like, 'Too bad I have ADHD and can't focus for shit. Occasionally I have a clear thought though and it actually makes sense.' and he smiles. Awww I love that man.

CD22 and no smileyface. I chucked my pee stick across the bathroom. Stupid thing. Booooooooo

I found a prom date for Kai. Yay me Yay me. Mom's gettin' it done right? She's cute, but painfully shy. Great...my son is also painfully shy. This may turn out to be the worst 2 hours of their life. My crazy friend has now barraged me with questions-What color dress do you want her to wear? Do you want me to schedule her updoo with your hair dresser or mine? Should I take her to get mani/pedis? French or colored? Is Kai wearing a tie and vest? Do you want me to run the dress over so you can match colors? Are they riding together or meeting there? and on and on and on. I told Kai I found a date for him and now he's saying he'll just go by himself. ~blinks~ WHAT? You've gone on for weeks how you can't find a date and how upset you are over it and then I find you a date, have to deal with Promzilla and you just want to go by yourself now...to your own Senior Prom?? Oh. Oh I give up...

April 19th, 2011

I went to my son's high school counselors office for a conference yesterday. Those in attendance were his counselor, speech therapist, school psychologist, vice principal and me. My son brought it to my attention last week that some boys (who barely speak English and are originally from a country south of us) have been harassing him and bullying him. Now to look at my son you'd automatically think he's from a country south of us, but in reality he's not. We live in wonder bread land and we've embraced wonder bread culture. We like it. We're happy. Dude, we're totally White.

There are a couple of apartment complexes in our little sleepy country town of 4-5 stop lights that are predominantly Section 8-low income. We live two blocks from that complex. The police patrol it regularly because the gangs all live there. It's gangland over there!

Anywho, one of Kai's class has 3 of these kids in with him so the bullying has been constant. They think he stole his phone...again. (Again?) Nothing can be proven, but I had intended to go to the school the following day to talk to his counselor. The next morning the school psychologist called me to tell me Kai came to his office upset about these kids being jerks to him and he wanted to go home. I explained what Kai told me the previous night and I wanted him removed from the classroom until something more permanent could be worked out. The counselor called me next and then planned the meeting. They pulled him out of the class and put him in a different class immediately.

I'm so proud of myself for not getting mad and bursting into tears. I handled all the questions and gave my suggestions of what could be done. My son graduates in 2 months. I want his last few months to be peaceful and I want him to enjoy himself. They agreed and all want to help. They adore my son. He's a good kid. He's just really struggled this year.

I know it's the Aspergers Syndrome. I've been able to find an Aspergers group on yahoo, but we haven't attended any events yet. It's pretty active, but I haven't taken the time to really involve myself in any of the discussions. I'm still reading about it and how it applies to Kai since he's high functioning. It's like he's on the fringes of the disability. He's just a little off is all. I need to squeeze some time in for that, but it seems like the timing just hasn't worked out yet. Some adults meet once a month to connect which would be awesome, but they are meeting this weekend and I'm gone. ~sighs~ Next month...

Okay, the guy with the dog just texted me back he made an appt for Lola at the vet to get the health certificate signed off so Lola can fly. Now I just have to hunt around for an airport approved crate big enough to fit her. I think I found one on san diego craigslist that may work. Let's see if I get an answer back.

Steadily getting my "to do" list crossed off. Must organize all of Kai's prom stuff. He still needs a date. Sadly, no wants to go with him. Stupid Aspergers...You think it's inappropriate to hire a prom date for him? ~texts her two crazy friends who have teenage daughters in Oregon~ I offered to cover the ticket, hair and makeup if one of the girl's is game. Need to rent a tux for him, secure flowers and a ride to the venue.

I been OPKing over the last few days and have seen a faint line grow darker and darker until today it completely disappeared. Ugh! Extreme dislike! wtf...It's CD21. No bueno...

April 18th, 2011

All dogs go to heaven

Chris got me my bike last week. Yay! I rode it around on Saturday, but it's really still too cold to get a nice ride out of it. It's sunny today (still chilly), but I may be able to hop on after work. It's cute! Turquoise blue with white wall tires with a little basket on the front. I'll post a picture on my next jaunt.

I'll be bringing a dog back with me when I fly home next Monday night. Her name is Lola (...she was a showgirl! Yeah!) and she's a 4 year old white and black Dane/Bull mix. She's beautiful and a sweetie pie. My mom's friend's (who briefly agreed to watch my mom) youngest son just found out his wife has been steppin' out on him for over a year and is leaving him. He's 29. She's 22 and stepped out with a 55 year old. Talk about a daddy complex. Sheesh! Anyway he's all distraught and doesn't want the dog because she's "her" dog. They're fighting over money and cars and the house, etc., but the dog...yeah the dog he just wanted to take to the pound and put down. =/ W-T-F is WRONG with people. 'I just can't bear to even look at the dog let alone care for it, Malia.' Oh it just makes me want to throw up. I haven't been able to sleep until this was resolved and I could convince my mom's friend to foster the dog until I could get down there (obviously there are conditions). Loser...I'm making him pay air freight charges. Here's a picture of her with her companion Frankie who is staying because he's "his" dog and doesn't require very much attention. I have a gut feeling I'll be taking Frankie later on down the road when I look at this picture.

LolaCollapse )

Btw-We need another animal living with us like a hole in the head, but we refuse to let this happen. It's not the dog's fault his owners are dumbasses. Besides with our current dog's deteriorating condition with his hip dysplasia and arthritic joints it's sad, but very helpful to have an "overlap" dog. Buckeye is 16 years old. He's a Shepherd/Chow Chow mix. We're so glad to give him a forever home after being neglected for the first part of his life. Chris has had him for 5 years and he's truly his best friend in the whole world.

I so wanted a pug, but Lola has come to me for a reason. Ugh...I'm going to probably have to take up running just to burn off all her nervous energy. She's not walked at all right now and has never been trained. Dumbass people...

If you are not willing to be a responsible accountable dog owner willing to make at least a 12 year commitment do yourself a favor and get a goldfish. Better yet, don't get any animals and just buy one of those cute calenders with proceeds donated to the ASPCA.

Okay /end dog rant. On to the "conditions" of my mom's friend fostering this dog for me. She wants "dibs" on my mom's fabric and crafting supplies. Apparently she feels she needs to ask for dibs because other people in my mother's church are coming out of the wood work and asking for dibs too now for all their charitable causes.

'Malia, if you're already planning on donating your mother's things why don't you let the ladies from the women's relief society come in and help you? The items would be used for a good cause-the Lord's cause.'

Wow...apparently the Lord's cause didn't include helping my mom, visiting my mom or even calling my mom, but now that she's in trouble they'd gladly pick from her possessions. I abhor hypocrites; especially religious hypocrites who should know better. I'm not going in and "donating my mom's things" I'm creating a space for my mom to safely live her life. As it is right now her home is in such disarray she can neither sleep in her bed, bathe in her bathroom or cook in her kitchen. Human basic functions.

I told my mom's friend that I will have my mom reduce her stash and then she can have what she is willing to part with. The rest of the ladies in her church can go pound sand. I also said if anyone doesn't understand what that means I'd gladly drive over to their house and pantomine it for them. I'm sure I'll just be told all over again how evil I am. A heathen apostate who has lost her way. I'm sure they'll pray for me.

Needless to say, my stress level is over the top. I have to leave here in a couple of minutes to go to a school conference about my son. Ugh...when will it end.

I'm giving this entire month's cycle a pass. I'll be lucky to ovulate.

April 11th, 2011

After numerous phone calls back and forth about my mother's hoarding problem I spent a few hours down in the basement purging old papers and magazine articles. I'll be doing my closet next and then hit the bookshelf. I can't even watch hoarding or clean up shows anymore. I end up dumping drawers out to reorganize them. It's awful and makes my skin crawl.

My brother is still struggling with dealing with my mother's stuff. It's hard for him to make decisions because he too is a hoarder-though not quite as bad. His bedroom consists of floor to ceiling bookshelves around his entire room with a futon bed in the middle. During the day the bed folds up to a sofa so he can watch tv which is mounted to the wall to save space. I thought it was a good idea and for now, it works for him.

I plan to fly down there on Easter Sunday to spend 3 days clearing out my mom's storage unit and clear/clean her bathroom and kitchen out. Tickets are cheap for that day and it's after I ovulate so it won't impede the work I've done this cycle. I found a Home Care Program through the hospital. Luckily her insurance covers it, but I think once they get in there and actually start documenting by observation regarding my mom's case she'll have to be referred to a different program. It's the best I could do for not being there and all I could find after a couple of hours of digging on the hospital website was one blurb about the program.

I had my brother use our Advance Directive to enroll her because she's refusing psychiatric care. I hate this shit. I really do. She's refusing everything, but the drugs at this point; which incidentally she's mostly been cut off. No more Norco. No more Vicodin. No more Tramadol. She's on a low dose of Percocet now for residual pain from her surgery. Her doctor won't be able to see her until Friday. She's too busy. Really? Mom almost ODs over the weekend and you don't have time to see her? Doctors suck.

I completely understand. Mine suck too. I'm getting very little help from my Endo or my OBGYN. Kaiser HMO is kaka. My acupuncturist gives me more attention. It's going to really suck when we all get mandatory government healthcare. ~half-hearted yay~

April 8th, 2011

(no subject)

My acupuncture session yesterday was awesome. I usually flinch alot when she puts the ankle needles in, but this time nothing. It didn't hurt at all. None of the needles gave me alot of trouble. Finally my body is balancing out. I told her I bled like a MF this cycle and my dream the other night. She just nodded her head and smiled. I know these results are not odd for her (she says that most people don't see dramatic changes-they usually happen over the course of 6 mos-1 year of regular, consistent appts), but they are for me. My temps are all evened out. My cycle is normalizing too.

My Metformin prescription is contingent on me taking a Diabetes class and monitoring my blood glucose levels. $50 for the class plus $22 for the monitor and a month of test strips. The things I do to get pregnant I swear.

Actually I'm happy I've taken the time to improve my health because I'm TTC. I probably wouldn't have bothered to do any of this. It's difficult and requires so much research and perseverance.

Apparently my brother called me last night at 2am. The message was 'Mom's screaming and crying uncontrollably. ~long pause~ Call me back.' I called him back at 7am, but it went to voicemail. 'Hey I got your message. I hope you took her to the emergency room last night.' Do you think he did? He called me back this morning when I was at work. My phone doesn't always ring at my desk so it went to voice mail. Nope he didn't take her to the hospital. He said more, but it was a garbled mess.

I'm...I'll finish this later. I need food.

April 7th, 2011

(no subject)

I had a dream last night I was running down a hall trying all the doors because I had to pee really bad. There were lockers lining the walls so I think I was in a school. Shit I have to pee! I kept telling myself. Finally I opened a door into a classroom and all the chairs were together in a circle. I grabbed a trashcan and ran into a closet and peed in the trashcan. I peed forever and it was all blood. I was so relieved because all the blood was "bad" and I was finally rid of it. Then I heard the radio alarm come on and felt Chris touch my back. 'Baby, Katrina and The Waves thinks you should wake up'

This cycle is completely different. No cramping, no pressure, no muscle tightness from the Clomid. It's like I'm not even taking it. However, I'm stressed to the max right now. I did a 3way call last night with a couple of my aunts and and my brother last night to discuss the situation with my mom to them and that was very difficult. They had no idea mom had such a huge hoarding problem. This is one picture of my mom's bedroom.

Mom's BedroomCollapse )

Kinda blurry and dark, but her bed is on the other side of the mountain of stuff. It's brand new and she can't sleep in it because she can't get to it. There are other pictures, but I don't want to post them. No one wants to look at them. I don't want to look at them. I already know. I grew up in that mess.

After I moved in with Chris he thought it was odd that I moved up to Oregon in the smallest truck I could rent. I just didn't have alot of stuff. I don't collect anything. I rent from netflix or stream movies. I have a select group of books that I love, but I'd rather check out books from the library. I love my ipod. I love paying bills online. I have virtually no paper anymore. It's awesome. I do have a draw full of candles, but I like candles. You can burn them and then they're gone. I throw away/donate everything. I have a few pictures.

Being the child of two hoarders (dad's not as bad. He can still function in every room you just have to be careful not to knock over any samurai swords) has definitely shaped me into a person who finds no value in material things. I like them. They're cool, but if everything I own was destroyed by a freak meteor crash I'd be calling my insurance agent to see if it's covered and if not...meh. ~shrugs~

April 5th, 2011

Intervention vs Hoarders

So my mom had knee replacement surgery last week. The hospital is doing their churn em and burn em routine and discharged her to go home. Apparently this was done without a consult. She lives alone in a second story unit, her house looks like an episode on Hoarders and she's on blood thinners. But you know, this is not the doctor's problem. He even prescribed her a heavy refillable script for oxy, narcor and tramadol. Our 16 year old dog is on Tramadol so he's comfortable before he dies. ~shakes head~ I don't get it.

I expressed my concern to one of my girlfriends and her response was, 'WOOT! I Love Narcor! That shit's the bomb!' Seriously Principessa? She was only slightly joking. She said 'prescription drugs flow freely my friend. They control and cull the weak.' Nicely stated Pess. She gets it. Her mom has the beginnings of what we think is Dementia. She went to bring her food for the week on Sunday and out of the blue she attacked her and started hitting her. WTH...

I had my brother call mom's friend and ask...no BEG to have mom stay with her for a few days while her home situation is taken care of. Her condition was yes she could stay only until she became intolerable and then she would call my brother to get her out immediately. She also said we needed to intervene and confront her about her hoarding...possibly get her to agree to counseling.

Wow that was the suckiest experience ever. I'd rather have a gallbladder attack again or pancreatitis or give birth au naturale. You think by now I'd be immune to whatever she said to me and I know it's the drugs talking, but wow...she can still sear me to the bone. We Skyped it with my brother, mom, me and my mom's friend as mediator. In the end, I'm not sure she will ever come back from whatever sad dark hole her mind is currently residing in.

She's agreed to have my brother and my mom's friend go into her apartment and clear the living room out and put it all in storage. This way my mom has a safe place to live clear of obstructions. She can watch Lifetime to her heart's content and maneuver her walker around to and from the front door so my brother can take her to physical therapy. She'll be on her own when she needs to use the bathroom and will risk falling and bleeding to death, but it's the only option she would agree to.

April 4th, 2011

Happy Birthday Baby!

B&W Starbuck
This is what my mom said to me today. Let's be clear. My birthday is February 4 not April 4 If anything I found it amusing since it's been years since she's remembered my birthday on my birthday. It's cool and no big deal. Every time I go visit she gives me a stack of random presents. Some xmas some birthday from various years. She buys them, hides them and forgets about them. Yay...footie pajamas-ok not that bad, but still quite amusing.

It was sad and very Sixteen Candles like when I turned 18 and everyone forgot, but now? Now I don't care. 'Thanks mom, but today is not my birthday. You remember. I flew down to see y'all on my birthday a couple months ago. We went out for lunch!' ~chuckles~ Um, she didn't think it was funny at all. I received a complete tear down on knowing exactly when she gave birth to me and how long it took and how painful it was and I was uncooperative and late and she almost died etc etc etc. Oh the drama. 'Mom, I love you. Thank you for giving birth to me and thanks for the birthday wishes.' What else could I say? My mom was high as a kite again. Between my mom being perpetually doped out of her mind on some Oxy Narcor Vicadin cocktail and my dad becoming a beer and wine "connoisseur" it makes me wonder why I ever answer my phone or fly home.

I watched Precious and The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo over the weekend. My dysfunctional childhood could have been much much worse. I know this. I'm grateful. I only wish I knew then what I know now. Would have saved alot of confused years on wasted contemplation on how to fix my problems. Eh, there is no problem. There is no spoon.

I really want a cigarette, but I will not have one. Ugh, it wasn't a good weekend. Between my brother's incessant freak out yelling calls and my mom being all crazy and loopy I just wanted to check out and stay in bed all weekend. But you know, I have to be an adult and deal with it.

My brother wants me to fly down there and deal with it in person. I don't want to. I'm leaning heavily to the 'Nope' side of things. Chris also thinks I should stay put. ~sighs~ Severe suckage.
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