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November 4th, 2011

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B&W Starbuck
So yeah, eh it's been a while. I've been busy being S-O-R-E. My body is old. I'm old. Why did I join Roller Derby again? Oh yeah to keep me sane. That's right. Seriously. I've never done anything this physically taxing in my life. My progress has been painfully slow. Humbling is a nice way of putting it. There are 4 tape levels in the division I'm skating in-Orange, Red, Purple and Green. Most girls tool around in Orange for about a month and then move on to the other levels. It takes about 3 months to go Green. When you're Green you get to Scrimmage. Being Green is awesome (on sooooo many levels-duh).

I *just* went Red.

Yeah.

I know.

After 4 months of skating 3 times a week, 2 hours a session, plus off skate workouts I *just* went Red. WTF is wrong with me? I wondered for a while if it was my weight, but no...there's plenty of girls who carry around extra poundage and I've lost weight doing this. I wondered if it was my height, but no...there's plenty of girls the same height or taller. I wondered if it was my age, but no there are plenty of girls my age or older.

I think I just need to reside myself to the fact that I suck and it sucks realizing that I suck cuz I like it so much.

Moving on...

I called my mom the other week cuz it was her birthday. I haven't spoken to her since I cleared out her storage unit in April. She basically told me (on speakerphone) she was still hurt and pissed off at me, didn't want to talk to me and hung up on me. Lots of tears ensued after this which prompted me to call my dad. Not to talk about my mom, but I guess I just wanted some kind of family connection. He didn't really want to talk to me either. Not because of me, but because he's in a work crisis.

Work crisis. Yeah. My dad is the maintenance manager for all the post offices in Southern California. He hates it and basically told his boss to fuck off, quit and walked out. I suppose when you're 16 and work for pizza hut and don't like it you can do that, but it's kind of irresponsible to do at 63 with the option to retire, a mortgage, car payment, massive bills, health issues, etc. In the end his boss asked for a "do over" and my dad is back at work.

Were my folks always this screwed up or did this just happen? I don't get it.

This and other incidents have prompted me to postpone my wedding. Chris actually has no problem with this. I don't think he wants to get married anyway nor does he want to have any children since this whole "fertility" process has been a lonely one this year. Not pregnant. Not ovulating even though I'm healthier than I've ever been before. I expressed this to my best friend while I was visiting her at a motivational conference last month and she said,'Maybe you can get pregnant and you're little one wants you to be his/her mommy, but does not want Chris to be the daddy.' Oh...I didn't think about it that way. How sad if that's true.

August 2nd, 2011

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I emailed my doctor yesterday morning and a nurse called me in a bit of a panic to immediately come in for labs and a visit. I called Chris and told him and he met me at the hospital. How sweet. He's been worried about me.

I wasn't panicky. This wasn't my first miscarriage it's my 4th and this was really early on so I wasn't in a lot of pain. I'm calling it more of a chemical pregnancy. All of my bloodwork came back excellent across the board. My blood pressure is good (130/73). I've lost 11 pounds since my last weigh in. The labs also included testing for my endo who emailed me today thrilled by my results. My thyroid is completely normal (T4 1.1-the lowest it's ever been). My A1C blood glucose has also improved.

Doc wants me back on the horse immediately if I'm up for it. I said yes and took the prescription for the next round of fertility treatments. What else can I do? I'm so close...

August 1st, 2011

Rough weekend. II tried to just tell myself I was having an incredibly long horrible period, but by Friday night it was pretty clear I was having a miscarriage. I should be encouraged. The last time I was pregnant was 2007. I haven't come right out and said it and Chris hasn't asked. He's just been trying to keep me comfortable. Other than feeling pretty weak, anemic, headachy and hobbling to the bathroom every other hour I feel okay.

July 29th, 2011

Look But Don't Touch

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Haven't posted in a cuppa mainly because I've been feeling sorry for myself for the last month. Not only have I gone completely anovulatory, but last month I had a 13 day period. 9 dry days before starting all over again. This month I'm on day 19...still going strong. You'd think I would have bled to death and died by now. I emailed my doctor about it asking if I should be concerned. She said to come in for a visit if I'm still bleeding in two weeks. Uhhhhhhh....>.<
So yeah...pretty miserable, exhausted, irritable, exhausted, crampy and oh yeah exhausted.

I've decided to try and remedy this by doing what I do best. Do something else to take my mind off it. I joined Roller Derby. I officially signed over my life and limbs to the Rose City Rollers and joined the Wrecker League. I've been vocalizing this for about a year. Chris has been laughing at me because he said he just can't picture me being a tough girl. Wow...he really doesn't know me very well does he? Maybe I'm confusing tough with stubborn, but whatever.

Out of the 45 girls who joined 3 weeks ago-5 (including me) are still coming. 5!!! Of course I'm the only one who has lost all ability to skate. Leave to me to really start from the beginning.

First week I learned how to fall down really really well. Second week I learned how to skate. This week I'm building endurance and muscles to help me pivot and turn. Right now I can do about 4 laps and I'm spent. I also lose all feeling in my lower legs. Rest...water...rub legs...get back up and skate 4 laps. After about two hours of this I'll go home and ice my legs. It's different for everybody. Some people have problems with their thighs, hips, lower back, knees. I have the medial shin splint problem. I'm trying to be patient and kind to myself while I push through this. Can't stop now...it'll just hurt more later.

June 3rd, 2011

So I had this long email written out for my doctor yesterday and the server blipped and I lost it. It was a sign. I wasn't supposed to tell her off...not yet.

I went to my acupuncturist and told her what happened and she was shocked by the substandard care I'm receiving. I don't know what else to do. She referred me to someone she knows who may be able to help me. Apparently she's brilliant when it comes to thyroid and adrenal disorders, but damn...she's really expensive and I'd have to pay out of pocket. Gawd. I just want someone to look over my case and tell me what to do to fix it. I'm considering it. Maybe she does payments. So frustrating.

None of the needles really hurt going in. Minor twinges, but nothing more than that. A very good sign I am starting to transition properly.

Had a minor spat with Chris last night. Not really a spat, but more a conversation about his many ex-girlfriends and the fact that they're still floating around. Two considering "stopping by" to "hang out sometime" and "just say hello". Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh no. Absolutely not okay. I said although he can't control what other people say he can discourage all of them from more personal conversations-especially on a public forum like FB. God knows what these women are saying to him in PM, but I want it to stop immediately. He can be cordial and nice, but not so nice (he's suuuuuuuch a nice guy) they feel like they still have some sort of special bond with him. ~narrows eyebrows~ I didn't get all crazy or emotional I just gave him instances where I felt uncomfortable and disrespected and I need more action from him showing me that he has set me above all other women.

I don't share. I'm a generous and patient Green, but I am done with them blowing up his FB board with their flirtations.

This is the problem with splitting up with someone and it ended nicely. Everyone is happy and would like to stay friends. I can't think of many relationships I haven't completely destroyed, burnt down or blown up with absolutely no possible way of reconciliation. For me that works much better.

June 1st, 2011

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Oh NO!
What day is it? Oh yeah...June 1st. I'm still not pregnant. I had a complete meltdown the other night. Poor Chris. He doesn't know what to do. I don't know what to do. Nobody knows what to do. Ugh. It's so heartbreaking.

Last Wednesday I had a follicle scan. My left ovary was visible and appeared to have a beautiful plump follicle forming. My right ovary could not be found. It was hidden behind my intestines. Lovely. The tech did her best. So much so I ached for a couple of days. I ran the paperwork over to the other clinic where my doctor is and she wasn't there. The infertility nurse came in and said there was nothing found. I said what about the left ovary and she said it's probably a cyst. It looks like you're just not going to ovulate at all this month. Oh I said. She said she would have my doctor take a look at in on Friday and she'll get back to me with what she thinks but not to get my hopes up. I have few options because of my poor response to 3 rounds of Clomid and my age. She said to keep using my OPKs, wait for my LH surge and call her when I start my period. All my OPKs have been negative.

The very next day I ovulated.

WHAT THE FUCK?! I'm so fucking pissed off. Fucking piece of fuck. WHAT?

Still no word from my doctor. No word from the nurse. I am done. I'm firing my doctor, the nurses, the hospital, the meds and the treatment. They are all morons. I'm officially off the reservation....

I will do this MYSELF!

Fuck me man...

May 19th, 2011

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Yesterday it was like I had boundless energy! I took a couple of short walks with my coworkers I've been walking with them for about a month. I'm only now able to keep up with them without being completely out of breath the whole time (They're both in really good shape). I powered through an hour long yoga class. The only time I had to step out of a pose was when I had to do this pose:

Forward Fold w/Wide Legs, Root Lock ~Mula Bandha~ and arms reaching outCollapse )

May 16th, 2011

My horse Trigger

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Well Chris has been working out all week. Last night he was complaining about being so sore and I was like well hope you're unsore around the 20th okay? (predicted LH surge) He said he was trying to be less tired and have more vigor since 1/2 of my infertility problem sadly is his fault. More on this later.

I had an ultrasound last week and my ovaries look fine. No cysts which is very good news. Contrary to my physical symptoms I do not have PCOS. In looking at my chart it's pretty obvious I was going to ovulate on CD22, but stress delayed ovulation to CD27. So in my opinion, I believe the egg deteriorated because of the late ovulation and was poor quality which is why my progesterone was so low. Again this takes me back to my original concern when I started TTCing. I'm ovulating too late. Doc cleared me for another round of Clomid.

This was not good enough for me. I started calling and leaving messages for the infertility nurse. Short and sweet. 'I want an HCG trigger shot'. After tons of missed calls on both sides (which is annoying btw) I finally got to speak to her. I was civil, but expressed my disappointment that I have not been given an HCG shot or had any follicular monitoring since I've begun treatment. I also asked her am I the one who is supposed to tell you this is what I want because I feel like I'm given Clomid and a pat on the back each month wishing me luck. She said well yes and no (which is a typical answer). She said it depends on the treatment I want (WHAT?). I kind of laughed and said ooookay. I guess she realized what she said sounded ludicrous and ended up writing down what I want. She said she will present it to the doctor and we'll go from there. Someone should get back to me tomorrow. I feel like I'm blindly diagnosing myself sometimes. It's frustrating and I feel like they wasted months of my fertility because they can't fucking get it together. ~sighs~

I will have an arsenal of tests I want done when she calls me back tomorrow.

May 9th, 2011

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Well I caved on Saturday and sent flowers to my mother for Mother's Day. I had been going back and forth since I've gotten home about what to do. I'm sure it will change nothing, but it did appease my own self loathing so I guess I did it for me. I got a confirmation of delivery email from FTD. Good enough. My brother called me last night to wish me a happy Mother's Day and to complain about his miserable life. I hate when he does that-finds a reason to call so he can talk about himself. I'm not a fucking cheerleader anymore! I chewed him out. He said basically nothing in response. Super.

Saturday my friend Star came by and we went to get our piggies done. I love getting pedicures. Manicures not so much, but feet rubbin and polishing? Hell yes. I got to use my gift certificate Chris gave me for my birthday. I still have enough left over for one more. tee hee!

Star talked about this new man she met on Plenty of Fish and was so happy I recommended it and coached her on her profile. The man is super hawt, has a job, a house, isn't married and likes talking to her with several other possibilities sitting in her que. Promising! The only reservation she has about him is (drum roll) that he's NOT white. ~gasps~ Seriously Star? She said well, he's half white and half Latino and really light so I'll give him a try. mkay...~shakes head~

I gave her my book, 'Why men love Bitches' and told her to follow it to the letter if she wants any chance with this guy. If she does her crazy, needy, argumentative, bi-polar, over calling, over sharing routine again he'll walk immediately. The only person who can pull that shit off is Kim Kardasian for about 6 weeks and then the guy will still walk. These days women are too easy and plentiful for guys to really bother to overlook bad behavior. I think she gets that now after so many failed relationships. I hope she does anyway or she's going to be a very lonely woman and should invest in more cats.

I called the fertility call center on Saturday and left a message that I was on my CD2 and to order me a new Clomid. They called back this morning to left me know my doctor may want to have me come in for an ultrasound. I'm supposed to start my Clomid tomorrow. I theoretically wanted to start yesterday CD3, but the pharmacy open on the weekend doesn't have Clomid so I was going to go today and get it from the other pharmacy and start today, but now I have to wait for them to call me back. I bled really bad on Saturday. Lots of pain lots of clotting. Last cycle was awful and there was my result. At least my doctor wants to give me an ultrasound now after so many requests. Again...must say 'pain and blood' together for a medical team to react. I need to remember that from now on. Good luck finding my left ovary on ultrasound tech. ~salutes~

I've had intense sexual cravings these last few days. Yikes! Must be my age. Hormones making a last ditch effort before I go into Menopause. And here I thought my prime had crested. Apparently not. o.O My poor man. I swear I will be the death of him.

I love Lola. The new dog smell has not worn off yet. She got her first bath yesterday cuz she was getting kinda stinky. She was so good! Hopped in and just stood there for washing. Amazing. She's an absolute joy. Ro is an idiot for giving her up. She's easier than our other dog who's pretty easy. She just needed to be exercised daily um...like ALL dogs. Duh. It amazes me people don't walk their dog. Anywho, her leash training is coming along. Now I take her out with my bike for about 30 minutes and then leash train her in the evening for 20 minutes in the dark when it's quiet with less visual distraction. This week I've added an AM 20 minute walk so she's relaxed while I'm gone at work.

I knew I should have a dog. She almost completes me. I'm knitting her a sweater cuz that baby girl has so little hair! =)

April 29th, 2011

Gung Ho

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I've been fighting a cold. It's not too bad-just achy with an annoying cough. I've been dosing myself with Zicam and Gypsy Cold Care tea. That shit's the bomb. Everyone around me is practically dying with this flu/cold/death sickness and I'm mildly ill on the fringes.

This weekend I'm reorganizing my kitchen cupboards and all the drawers. I'm tired of not being able to find anything anymore! It took me 15 minutes to find a meat loaf container last night. In the end I found 2, but still shouldn't have taken that long. I guess I'm still fighting the residual debris in my brain of all the hoards I went through over the weekend. It's like every house I stayed at had some kind of hoarding problem. Also saying you're a "pack-rat", "collector", "too busy to ever tidy up" or "really disorganized person" you're a hoarder in denial.

My dog is settling in splendidly. I just love Lola! Here's a pic of her in the back seat of my car riding around with me yesterday while I ran errands

LolaCollapse )

We've been leash training every day and she's not pulling as much anymore. I can almost do an entire circuit with a slack leash which is just amazing. Next week we're going to move up to a longer segment of walking.

I emailed my doctor today and let her know how late I ovulated this month. I asked for more information on proceeding with IUI in June. I plan to do one more round of Clomid next month, but I'm going to back my start day to Day 3 instead of Day 5 to see if I can ovulate sooner. I'm not going to bother telling my doctor. She doesn't seem terribly concerned with anything I do. I'm going to tighten up my schedule for supplements and temping. I slacked off a bit this month. I think I've just been too stressed out this month to care too much. Which, really, is fine. I needed a slight break from all this tracking, but now I'm ready to jump back into it for May.
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